About Coach

When the vet called back yesterday I took a deep breath before answering. I’d been crying all day and needed to get it together to speak to him.
“I hear Coach is having a rough time,” he says.
“Yes…” I muster slowly and then instantly start to weep.
When the vet saw her in August she was doing so good. Wonderful even. I brought her in for light bleeding, thinking she had a UTI when we discovered she had a torn ACL, called a cranial cruciate ligament in dog language.
A couple days prior, our other *very large* dog had jumped on her while trying to play. I didn’t think too much of her very slight limp at the time, I was more concerned for her bleeding, but the vet knew right away. The ligament was completely torn and he thought that the ACL injury could be what led to the bleeding.
Coach and I drove home, “She’s gonna be okay,” I kept telling myself, “Dogs can live with this injury.” The days that followed got progressively harder. Coach needed her meds every 12 hours, and I was working very long hours and couldn’t always get her meds on time. If a dose was missed, the bleeding came back. I was hopeless and distraught when my mom graciously offered to help. She took Coach into her care for a few weeks. Coach got time to rest, time to heal with tons of love and attention, time to play with toys and even go for slow walks. She got her meds on time and was still doing so well.
Coach is home now, when the meds ran out, the bleeding came back. I called the vet right away Monday to let them know. Her leg isn’t being used while I’m at work, she’s very stiff when I get home. And within a the last few days, her paw began to flip backwards when she walks. So the walk we took on Monday, we couldn’t do today. Going potty is another recent issue, which could be caused by nerve damage or pinching from the leg injury.
When he called yesterday to check in and I explained everything that’s happened with Coach since Monday, “Oh, wow…” He trails off and somewhere in my disassociation I heard him mention “emergency appointment.” So, as we wait for her to be seen again tomorrow, I am doing my best to keep the tears at bay especially in her company, which is incredibly hard. I am doing everything I can to be strong, that's what Coach deserves.

The Vulnerable Side of Joy

I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts for over a year. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d ever hit publish. It’s personal. It’s messy. But I truly believe that we should all be having more realistic, transparent, honest conversations wherever possible.

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In love, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been deeply hurt. Building an authentic connection with someone requires exposing vulnerabilities about ourselves that we can’t hide after a relationship ends. It hurts like hell, but the pain teaches us how to look out for ourselves. We move forward by picking up the pieces of our hearts and guarding those pieces because we want to protect ourselves from unnecessary hurt. However, if we take it too far, we end up sabotaging ourselves. Which is… exactly what I did. Repeatedly. Until it became my default mode of operation. I was really just trying to protect myself and my heart after all I’d been through, but naturally that tactic would backfire and lead to heartache, loneliness, and a deeper lack of trust within me.

Every painful experience became a brick that I used to build a wall around my heart. Sure, it may have represented a certain level of strength. For the most part it only caused an emotional blockage between myself and anyone I tried to get to know.

Exploring your own shortcomings and deepest fears isn’t easy. No matter how confident I was or told myself I was, there was always this tiny bit of insecurity inside of me wondering if I’m single because I’m just not good enough. I don’t think I’ve fully shared this “inner battle” with anyone in the way I probably should have. I think the reason why is because singleness is a really vulnerable topic for me.

Some nights, when I’m most alone with my thoughts, I see the shitty experiences I’ve gone through as confirmation for my singleness. As though these experiences are proof that there must be something wrong with me. I have always tried to share the beautiful side of who I am with everyone I meet; and yet I haven’t been able to find a stable relationship – at all. Not even something that remotely resembles one (lol). I know that I am kindhearted and genuine, but despite my committing personality, no one is willing to stay. At the same time, that’s okay. Because I obviously don’t want validation from anyone either. 

I want to clarify I am not sharing this for sympathy. I am truly happy with my life and I don’t think my situation is a desperate one. There is also no rule book that says you have to settle down and meet someone. I don’t struggle with this fear because I care what society tells me or what others think, I have this fear because lifetime companionship is what I know I want. It's a battle between being content and happy alone while also feeling like I am hoping or preparing for something – something I have no way of knowing I’ll ever get. At times it can feel like I'm some sort of walking contradiction.

All this to say, I wasn’t always ready to be a good partner or find love, but I am now. I’ve gone through some hard chapters that made it possible to be ready. I believe now that I am deserving of love. I have learned that maintaining meaningful relationships requires a willingness to let people in but also be guarded about who we trust. And I’m hopeful that one day I will end up where I’m meant to be.

Autumn Sipped Away Like A Bottle of Wine