The Gift of Grace

My dad died twelve years ago today. This shit hurts. It’s distracting, stressful, frustrating, paralyzing, maddening, depressing, and a whole bunch of other things that I don’t have words for. I don’t say this as an attempt to garner sympathy, but rather a statement of facts. To put it simply, grief is a bitch.

When I look back on my encounters with loss and grief, my biggest regrets are the moments when I chose to not acknowledge the pain. I am an emotional stuffer. Pushing through hard moments and emotions is a default setting for me. I have boasted about my natural ability to respond to crisis now and cry later. After much life experience and self-examination, I see that this “gift” can also be my Achilles’ heel. I hold back emotions in an unhealthy way. I turn inward with reactions instead of working through them in the moment. I move so quickly to action, to try and fix things and solve the problem, that oftentimes I fail to tend to the wounds on my own heart.

One of the hardest wounds I’ve struggled with (and tried to ignore) is the unexpected emptiness I feel every now and again that just appears out of nowhere. It usually takes its sweet time just lingering around, and that’s frustrating as shit. It would be so much easier if it was something I could control or rush through in an effort to feel whole again. But that’s not how it works. We have to feel, no matter how much we may not want to. After getting this wrong a countless number of times, here’s what I know— grieving something or someone is not weakness. When you are able to say, “Hey, I am actually not okay right now,” you are giving yourself the greatest gift— grace. Grace for a wounded heart. Grace for a failed relationship. Grace for the loss of a loved one. Grace for a failed dream.

Grace answers your pain directly. Grace is like a Ted Talk saying things like, “I know this shit is hard. It’s okay that you are hurting right now. You don’t need to be strong today. Allow yourself to feel every emotion under the sun, don’t wish any of them away. Your family and closest friends need the whole version of you. If you try to rush through pain, you will end up carrying heavy bricks of grief everywhere and drop them on everything you do. Working through grief and emotions is hard work but the rewards you reap are well worth the effort. Your tears of grief will lead you to become stronger, wiser, and healthier. In the end, pretending to be okay will do more harm than good." 

The gift of grace is actually really cool because once you give it to yourself, grace actually turns around and hands you another gift— healing. But first, you must stop running and sit with grief.

A Post I Don't Want to Write

    I’ve been trying to write this post for several weeks now and for some reason I just can’t get it done. I keep sitting down to write it, putting a few things on paper and then getting frustrated when I’m not able to articulate what I’m trying to say. I’m not able to even explain the thoughts to myself, much less put it into words.
    2020 has been so strange in many ways, and I’ve learned so much this year, I really have. But I think the truth is that I’m still learning and trying to figure some of these lessons I’ve been faced with. They’re still in progress – so to say. As much as I’ve been trying to figure it all out, I can’t seem to articulate my thoughts “perfectly” yet. This really frustrates me. I will mention that this year alone I’ve walked through a lot of stuff including a very unexpected and confusing loss of a grandparent, dealing with my past in strange (yet also cathartic) ways, and navigating some side effects from a chronic condition.
    I’ve been faced with grief a few times in my life but this year I got to know it differently that I ever have before. To put it simply, eventually, the time will come when you are suddenly, grandparent-less. I'm still trying to wrap my head around my own new reality. As a 28-year-old, I’ve realized that I’m in a bit of an unusual position for my age. It’s probably because my parents had me comparatively late, but most of my friends still seem to have at least one or two left. I can’t help but envy my friends and feel a bit sad about how that isn’t something that’s part of my life anymore. My grandparents won't be at my wedding. My kids will never get the opportunity to meet them. I regret the questions I should have asked, but never did.
    Sometimes it's really hard for me to see other family. I’ve learned that as nice as it is to be around people when you’re feeling the strange and uncomfortable feelings of grief, I personally have to be alone to truly feel it, better yet endure it. There’s a certain degree of vulnerability that you’ll allow yourself to experience when you’re alone that simply doesn’t happen when you’re with other people. Or maybe that’s just me? Grandparents are the best at uniting everyone. Like many, some of my favorite memories of the whole family were sitting round a big table on Christmas Eve with grandma and grandpa at the center of it all. When your last grandparent dies, there's suddenly a big hole in the family. A direct connection with the past is gone along with the wisdom of an entire generation.
    Grief is weird. It's weird and it looks different for everyone. As you get older and experience more life, grief will enter in some way or another. And when it does (or if it already has), I hope you remember that it’s okay to feel weird and confused and alone. Don't forget to let yourself feel the things and go through it because if you try and avoid it, you’ll have to deal with it later and it’ll be much worse. Remember that all your feelings are normal and it’s okay to not be okay. Give yourself some grace.

Grief: Expected and Unexpected

 

Nobody responds to loss in the same way. Every person has a unique personality and faces different circumstances that plays a role in their grief.
The death of someone we love is always difficult. I’ve had multiple losses in my life and not one of them has affected me the same. Sure, there are similarities, but there are also many differences. As we navigate the grief journey, or help someone who’s grieving, I believe the most important things we can do is to extend empathy and be mindful of respectful of the differences in our circumstances.
Through my own experiences, I’ve noticed that one of the biggest differences we can face is whether the death was anticipated, like the passing of a loved one who battled an illness, or sudden, like the unexpected death of a friend. The grief is deep in both of these cases. For those who have experienced both sides of the coin, you know exactly what I am talking about.

To give an instance, the death of my grandmother was anticipated. She had dementia and eventually it became unsafe for her to live on her own. It was with great sadness that we watched her keen mind fade away with the lingering knowing that she would one day succumb to the disease. We didn’t know when, but it was inevitable. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was definitely struggling with anticipatory grief; the grief you feel when you experience the loss of a person who's still alive.
With anticipatory loss, some well-meaning friends or family can  minimize the pain of others by saying things like, “It was expected, now that it’s over, you can finally move on.” I’m still amazed at how prevalent this view is in society. Its as if people expect you to not be sad because you were "sad" while they were here; do you notice how unsettling this is for someone to hear?

To illustrate the other side of the coin, the death of my father was completely unexpected. He was here one day and the next day he was just... gone. I was traumatized, scared and angry among many other feelings. As a 17 year old about to enter my senior year, I tried to cope by pushing away the pain and plunging into extracurricular activities at a frantic pace. I did anything I could to avoid being alone with my grief.
Individuals are usually experiencing a great shock in these situations emotions can be really raw and erratic. People don't often know how to relate to these feelings and will try to rationalize the death. Do not try and soothe someone who’s had a sudden loss by telling the person things like, “At least he didn’t have to suffer long.” This view is limiting and damaging for those who are just trying to navigate life and cope with their pain.
I’ve learned that there’s no time limit for “getting over it,” and “moving on,” because we never “get over it,” and “move on.” The life we create after loss doesn’t just put grief behind us. However, I’ve also learned that if we work with our grief and let ourselves feel our emotions, the grief will change us. It will soften our hearts and give us the gift of helping others through the darkness.