The Vulnerable Side of Joy

I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts for over a year. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d ever hit publish. It’s personal. It’s messy. But I truly believe that we should all be having more realistic, transparent, honest conversations wherever possible.

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In love, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been deeply hurt. Building an authentic connection with someone requires exposing vulnerabilities about ourselves that we can’t hide after a relationship ends. It hurts like hell, but the pain teaches us how to look out for ourselves. We move forward by picking up the pieces of our hearts and guarding those pieces because we want to protect ourselves from unnecessary hurt. However, if we take it too far, we end up sabotaging ourselves. Which is… exactly what I did. Repeatedly. Until it became my default mode of operation. I was really just trying to protect myself and my heart after all I’d been through, but naturally that tactic would backfire and lead to heartache, loneliness, and a deeper lack of trust within me.

Every painful experience became a brick that I used to build a wall around my heart. Sure, it may have represented a certain level of strength. For the most part it only caused an emotional blockage between myself and anyone I tried to get to know.

Exploring your own shortcomings and deepest fears isn’t easy. No matter how confident I was or told myself I was, there was always this tiny bit of insecurity inside of me wondering if I’m single because I’m just not good enough. I don’t think I’ve fully shared this “inner battle” with anyone in the way I probably should have. I think the reason why is because singleness is a really vulnerable topic for me.

Some nights, when I’m most alone with my thoughts, I see the shitty experiences I’ve gone through as confirmation for my singleness. As though these experiences are proof that there must be something wrong with me. I have always tried to share the beautiful side of who I am with everyone I meet; and yet I haven’t been able to find a stable relationship – at all. Not even something that remotely resembles one (lol). I know that I am kindhearted and genuine, but despite my committing personality, no one is willing to stay. At the same time, that’s okay. Because I obviously don’t want validation from anyone either. 

I want to clarify I am not sharing this for sympathy. I am truly happy with my life and I don’t think my situation is a desperate one. There is also no rule book that says you have to settle down and meet someone. I don’t struggle with this fear because I care what society tells me or what others think, I have this fear because lifetime companionship is what I know I want. It's a battle between being content and happy alone while also feeling like I am hoping or preparing for something – something I have no way of knowing I’ll ever get. At times it can feel like I'm some sort of walking contradiction.

All this to say, I wasn’t always ready to be a good partner or find love, but I am now. I’ve gone through some hard chapters that made it possible to be ready. I believe now that I am deserving of love. I have learned that maintaining meaningful relationships requires a willingness to let people in but also be guarded about who we trust. And I’m hopeful that one day I will end up where I’m meant to be.

The Gift of Grace

My dad died twelve years ago today. This shit hurts. It’s distracting, stressful, frustrating, paralyzing, maddening, depressing, and a whole bunch of other things that I don’t have words for. I don’t say this as an attempt to garner sympathy, but rather a statement of facts. To put it simply, grief is a bitch.

When I look back on my encounters with loss and grief, my biggest regrets are the moments when I chose to not acknowledge the pain. I am an emotional stuffer. Pushing through hard moments and emotions is a default setting for me. I have boasted about my natural ability to respond to crisis now and cry later. After much life experience and self-examination, I see that this “gift” can also be my Achilles’ heel. I hold back emotions in an unhealthy way. I turn inward with reactions instead of working through them in the moment. I move so quickly to action, to try and fix things and solve the problem, that oftentimes I fail to tend to the wounds on my own heart.

One of the hardest wounds I’ve struggled with (and tried to ignore) is the unexpected emptiness I feel every now and again that just appears out of nowhere. It usually takes its sweet time just lingering around, and that’s frustrating as shit. It would be so much easier if it was something I could control or rush through in an effort to feel whole again. But that’s not how it works. We have to feel, no matter how much we may not want to. After getting this wrong a countless number of times, here’s what I know— grieving something or someone is not weakness. When you are able to say, “Hey, I am actually not okay right now,” you are giving yourself the greatest gift— grace. Grace for a wounded heart. Grace for a failed relationship. Grace for the loss of a loved one. Grace for a failed dream.

Grace answers your pain directly. Grace is like a Ted Talk saying things like, “I know this shit is hard. It’s okay that you are hurting right now. You don’t need to be strong today. Allow yourself to feel every emotion under the sun, don’t wish any of them away. Your family and closest friends need the whole version of you. If you try to rush through pain, you will end up carrying heavy bricks of grief everywhere and drop them on everything you do. Working through grief and emotions is hard work but the rewards you reap are well worth the effort. Your tears of grief will lead you to become stronger, wiser, and healthier. In the end, pretending to be okay will do more harm than good." 

The gift of grace is actually really cool because once you give it to yourself, grace actually turns around and hands you another gift— healing. But first, you must stop running and sit with grief.

Breaking the Stigma

These past few months haven’t been great. Okay, to be honest they have straight up sucked, but I’m fighting to leave the dark and shitty behind.

In my past I’ve battled with depression and PTSD. The words sound harsh, but I think it’s important to talk about this stuff to make it less “taboo.” I love that so many people are talking about their struggles openly, so I don’t see a reason why to keep quiet about it here either. Depression (and PTSD) are probably more common than you’d think. A lot more common than I thought when I was first told I have depression many years ago. I didn’t really want to think about it, and to be honest I was too unbalanced to care or understand. I wanted to forget about it, but guess what? It’s not something that just goes away without putting up a fight and facing it. In general, I’m a very joyful person, I get excited really easily, I love to laugh and don’t take myself or life too seriously. But sometimes bad things happen, I begin to feel too much and think too much and can have a strong flight or fight response that can bring me down if I don’t keep it in check. When this happens to me, I start feeling almost numb.

Back when I was a teenager, I spent a lot of time alone. I didn’t have a ton friends, I was tired of bullying and gossiping that happened in high school and didn’t have any experience of a romantic relationship that wasn’t straight up toxic. I know everyone has their struggles when they are teenagers, I’m definitely not holding any grudges towards anyone. But there started my battle with depression, and my wrong ways of coping with it. And just when I thought things were getting too hard to navigate, I unexpectedly lost my dad. Life can throw some horrible curveballs sometimes.

By nature, I'm an optimist and I believe 100% in turning our difficulties into opportunities. Hard times can create an inner strength that prepares us to become the version of yourself that you’re meant to become. To help open your eyes to something you had maybe once ignored. Or help you realize the things you took for granted. One thing I have fully learned, is to pay attention to those tiny things and tiny decisions. Each day, each moment. They will add up and create big results. On both your well-being and whole life.

What has this all to do with anything, you might ask? Yes, I definitely feel like I’ve won my biggest battles with both depression and PTSD, but there are still times when I’m not feeling my best. It’s okay to admit that. I think we should all talk more openly about these things. So yeah, when life gets too heavy for me, sometimes I have to stop and see the signs and punch these mental health conditions in the face again.
My birthday is coming up next week and in all honesty, my wish is to put my focus into those tiny moments, real people who treat me with respect, weird-ass random adventures with my dog, and digging up all those light and happy sarcastic thoughts because that’s what makes me happy. Just keeping it simple in 2021 and treasuring each moment. Oh, and I know they say you shouldn’t share your wish if you want it to come true, but I personally don’t think wishes work that way.

A Post I Don't Want to Write

    I’ve been trying to write this post for several weeks now and for some reason I just can’t get it done. I keep sitting down to write it, putting a few things on paper and then getting frustrated when I’m not able to articulate what I’m trying to say. I’m not able to even explain the thoughts to myself, much less put it into words.
    2020 has been so strange in many ways, and I’ve learned so much this year, I really have. But I think the truth is that I’m still learning and trying to figure some of these lessons I’ve been faced with. They’re still in progress – so to say. As much as I’ve been trying to figure it all out, I can’t seem to articulate my thoughts “perfectly” yet. This really frustrates me. I will mention that this year alone I’ve walked through a lot of stuff including a very unexpected and confusing loss of a grandparent, dealing with my past in strange (yet also cathartic) ways, and navigating some side effects from a chronic condition.
    I’ve been faced with grief a few times in my life but this year I got to know it differently that I ever have before. To put it simply, eventually, the time will come when you are suddenly, grandparent-less. I'm still trying to wrap my head around my own new reality. As a 28-year-old, I’ve realized that I’m in a bit of an unusual position for my age. It’s probably because my parents had me comparatively late, but most of my friends still seem to have at least one or two left. I can’t help but envy my friends and feel a bit sad about how that isn’t something that’s part of my life anymore. My grandparents won't be at my wedding. My kids will never get the opportunity to meet them. I regret the questions I should have asked, but never did.
    Sometimes it's really hard for me to see other family. I’ve learned that as nice as it is to be around people when you’re feeling the strange and uncomfortable feelings of grief, I personally have to be alone to truly feel it, better yet endure it. There’s a certain degree of vulnerability that you’ll allow yourself to experience when you’re alone that simply doesn’t happen when you’re with other people. Or maybe that’s just me? Grandparents are the best at uniting everyone. Like many, some of my favorite memories of the whole family were sitting round a big table on Christmas Eve with grandma and grandpa at the center of it all. When your last grandparent dies, there's suddenly a big hole in the family. A direct connection with the past is gone along with the wisdom of an entire generation.
    Grief is weird. It's weird and it looks different for everyone. As you get older and experience more life, grief will enter in some way or another. And when it does (or if it already has), I hope you remember that it’s okay to feel weird and confused and alone. Don't forget to let yourself feel the things and go through it because if you try and avoid it, you’ll have to deal with it later and it’ll be much worse. Remember that all your feelings are normal and it’s okay to not be okay. Give yourself some grace.

Grief: Expected and Unexpected

 

Nobody responds to loss in the same way. Every person has a unique personality and faces different circumstances that plays a role in their grief.
The death of someone we love is always difficult. I’ve had multiple losses in my life and not one of them has affected me the same. Sure, there are similarities, but there are also many differences. As we navigate the grief journey, or help someone who’s grieving, I believe the most important things we can do is to extend empathy and be mindful of respectful of the differences in our circumstances.
Through my own experiences, I’ve noticed that one of the biggest differences we can face is whether the death was anticipated, like the passing of a loved one who battled an illness, or sudden, like the unexpected death of a friend. The grief is deep in both of these cases. For those who have experienced both sides of the coin, you know exactly what I am talking about.

To give an instance, the death of my grandmother was anticipated. She had dementia and eventually it became unsafe for her to live on her own. It was with great sadness that we watched her keen mind fade away with the lingering knowing that she would one day succumb to the disease. We didn’t know when, but it was inevitable. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was definitely struggling with anticipatory grief; the grief you feel when you experience the loss of a person who's still alive.
With anticipatory loss, some well-meaning friends or family can  minimize the pain of others by saying things like, “It was expected, now that it’s over, you can finally move on.” I’m still amazed at how prevalent this view is in society. Its as if people expect you to not be sad because you were "sad" while they were here; do you notice how unsettling this is for someone to hear?

To illustrate the other side of the coin, the death of my father was completely unexpected. He was here one day and the next day he was just... gone. I was traumatized, scared and angry among many other feelings. As a 17 year old about to enter my senior year, I tried to cope by pushing away the pain and plunging into extracurricular activities at a frantic pace. I did anything I could to avoid being alone with my grief.
Individuals are usually experiencing a great shock in these situations emotions can be really raw and erratic. People don't often know how to relate to these feelings and will try to rationalize the death. Do not try and soothe someone who’s had a sudden loss by telling the person things like, “At least he didn’t have to suffer long.” This view is limiting and damaging for those who are just trying to navigate life and cope with their pain.
I’ve learned that there’s no time limit for “getting over it,” and “moving on,” because we never “get over it,” and “move on.” The life we create after loss doesn’t just put grief behind us. However, I’ve also learned that if we work with our grief and let ourselves feel our emotions, the grief will change us. It will soften our hearts and give us the gift of helping others through the darkness.

Story Time: Starting a Blog

Starting a blog is something that I have dreamed about doing for a long time, and is something that has genuinely interested me since I was in high school. I have started blogs in the past but I have never poured myself completely into it. Why? It never quite felt like it was the “right” time to open up and share. Life gets messy and the things I was going through weren’t exactly picturesque. But why did my life have to be picturesque for me to share it? Why was I so scared?

It turns out there were a lot of things I was afraid of - sharing my thoughts and opening myself up to criticism and judgment, being rejected, feeling inadequate writing because I’d never considered myself a writer.

Mostly, I was afraid of having my little dream about starting a blog and desire to share my thoughts trampled on by other people.

All of my fears were valid, so I sat and I waited for the “right” time, but the right time never came. Next, I did what any person who avoids their fears does and I pushed that little dream into the back of my mind. The dream sat there while I became a little more self aware and brave enough to admit that, despite these fears, I still yearned for a blog. I yearned for an authentic place where I could share my thoughts, my struggles, my passion for living a purpose-filled life, and all the little adventures I collect along the way.

Right now, I am feeling very nervous, afraid and excited to publish this first post. When will my next post be published? I can’t say for sure. What will it be about? Who knows, I'm just feeling extra brave today so we’re just going to roll with it.