About Coach

When the vet called back yesterday I took a deep breath before answering. I’d been crying all day and needed to get it together to speak to him.
“I hear Coach is having a rough time,” he says.
“Yes…” I muster slowly and then instantly start to weep.
When the vet saw her in August she was doing so good. Wonderful even. I brought her in for light bleeding, thinking she had a UTI when we discovered she had a torn ACL, called a cranial cruciate ligament in dog language.
A couple days prior, our other *very large* dog had jumped on her while trying to play. I didn’t think too much of her very slight limp at the time, I was more concerned for her bleeding, but the vet knew right away. The ligament was completely torn and he thought that the ACL injury could be what led to the bleeding.
Coach and I drove home, “She’s gonna be okay,” I kept telling myself, “Dogs can live with this injury.” The days that followed got progressively harder. Coach needed her meds every 12 hours, and I was working very long hours and couldn’t always get her meds on time. If a dose was missed, the bleeding came back. I was hopeless and distraught when my mom graciously offered to help. She took Coach into her care for a few weeks. Coach got time to rest, time to heal with tons of love and attention, time to play with toys and even go for slow walks. She got her meds on time and was still doing so well.
Coach is home now, when the meds ran out, the bleeding came back. I called the vet right away Monday to let them know. Her leg isn’t being used while I’m at work, she’s very stiff when I get home. And within a the last few days, her paw began to flip backwards when she walks. So the walk we took on Monday, we couldn’t do today. Going potty is another recent issue, which could be caused by nerve damage or pinching from the leg injury.
When he called yesterday to check in and I explained everything that’s happened with Coach since Monday, “Oh, wow…” He trails off and somewhere in my disassociation I heard him mention “emergency appointment.” So, as we wait for her to be seen again tomorrow, I am doing my best to keep the tears at bay especially in her company, which is incredibly hard. I am doing everything I can to be strong, that's what Coach deserves.

The Vulnerable Side of Joy

I’ve had this post sitting in my drafts for over a year. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d ever hit publish. It’s personal. It’s messy. But I truly believe that we should all be having more realistic, transparent, honest conversations wherever possible.

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In love, I think it’s safe to say we’ve all been deeply hurt. Building an authentic connection with someone requires exposing vulnerabilities about ourselves that we can’t hide after a relationship ends. It hurts like hell, but the pain teaches us how to look out for ourselves. We move forward by picking up the pieces of our hearts and guarding those pieces because we want to protect ourselves from unnecessary hurt. However, if we take it too far, we end up sabotaging ourselves. Which is… exactly what I did. Repeatedly. Until it became my default mode of operation. I was really just trying to protect myself and my heart after all I’d been through, but naturally that tactic would backfire and lead to heartache, loneliness, and a deeper lack of trust within me.

Every painful experience became a brick that I used to build a wall around my heart. Sure, it may have represented a certain level of strength. For the most part it only caused an emotional blockage between myself and anyone I tried to get to know.

Exploring your own shortcomings and deepest fears isn’t easy. No matter how confident I was or told myself I was, there was always this tiny bit of insecurity inside of me wondering if I’m single because I’m just not good enough. I don’t think I’ve fully shared this “inner battle” with anyone in the way I probably should have. I think the reason why is because singleness is a really vulnerable topic for me.

Some nights, when I’m most alone with my thoughts, I see the shitty experiences I’ve gone through as confirmation for my singleness. As though these experiences are proof that there must be something wrong with me. I have always tried to share the beautiful side of who I am with everyone I meet; and yet I haven’t been able to find a stable relationship – at all. Not even something that remotely resembles one (lol). I know that I am kindhearted and genuine, but despite my committing personality, no one is willing to stay. At the same time, that’s okay. Because I obviously don’t want validation from anyone either. 

I want to clarify I am not sharing this for sympathy. I am truly happy with my life and I don’t think my situation is a desperate one. There is also no rule book that says you have to settle down and meet someone. I don’t struggle with this fear because I care what society tells me or what others think, I have this fear because lifetime companionship is what I know I want. It's a battle between being content and happy alone while also feeling like I am hoping or preparing for something – something I have no way of knowing I’ll ever get. At times it can feel like I'm some sort of walking contradiction.

All this to say, I wasn’t always ready to be a good partner or find love, but I am now. I’ve gone through some hard chapters that made it possible to be ready. I believe now that I am deserving of love. I have learned that maintaining meaningful relationships requires a willingness to let people in but also be guarded about who we trust. And I’m hopeful that one day I will end up where I’m meant to be.

Autumn Sipped Away Like A Bottle of Wine

North Dakota Road Trip | September 2021

A few weeks ago my mom and I took a road trip through North Dakota. Neither of us had been there before which made it extra special. One of the coolest places we visited was Teddy Roosevelt National Park - the pictures truly don't capture the magnificence of seeing it in person. It almost felt like we were on a different planet. We began our trip at Teddy and ventured through all the rest of our stops on our way back east.

The Gift of Grace

My dad died twelve years ago today. This shit hurts. It’s distracting, stressful, frustrating, paralyzing, maddening, depressing, and a whole bunch of other things that I don’t have words for. I don’t say this as an attempt to garner sympathy, but rather a statement of facts. To put it simply, grief is a bitch.

When I look back on my encounters with loss and grief, my biggest regrets are the moments when I chose to not acknowledge the pain. I am an emotional stuffer. Pushing through hard moments and emotions is a default setting for me. I have boasted about my natural ability to respond to crisis now and cry later. After much life experience and self-examination, I see that this “gift” can also be my Achilles’ heel. I hold back emotions in an unhealthy way. I turn inward with reactions instead of working through them in the moment. I move so quickly to action, to try and fix things and solve the problem, that oftentimes I fail to tend to the wounds on my own heart.

One of the hardest wounds I’ve struggled with (and tried to ignore) is the unexpected emptiness I feel every now and again that just appears out of nowhere. It usually takes its sweet time just lingering around, and that’s frustrating as shit. It would be so much easier if it was something I could control or rush through in an effort to feel whole again. But that’s not how it works. We have to feel, no matter how much we may not want to. After getting this wrong a countless number of times, here’s what I know— grieving something or someone is not weakness. When you are able to say, “Hey, I am actually not okay right now,” you are giving yourself the greatest gift— grace. Grace for a wounded heart. Grace for a failed relationship. Grace for the loss of a loved one. Grace for a failed dream.

Grace answers your pain directly. Grace is like a Ted Talk saying things like, “I know this shit is hard. It’s okay that you are hurting right now. You don’t need to be strong today. Allow yourself to feel every emotion under the sun, don’t wish any of them away. Your family and closest friends need the whole version of you. If you try to rush through pain, you will end up carrying heavy bricks of grief everywhere and drop them on everything you do. Working through grief and emotions is hard work but the rewards you reap are well worth the effort. Your tears of grief will lead you to become stronger, wiser, and healthier. In the end, pretending to be okay will do more harm than good." 

The gift of grace is actually really cool because once you give it to yourself, grace actually turns around and hands you another gift— healing. But first, you must stop running and sit with grief.

The Europe Photo Blog | May 2019

Paris, Florence and Rome. Three places I’ve always dreamed of going, but wasn't sure I'd ever get the chance to cross them off my bucket list. Two years ago, I had the opportunity to visit all three of these places in one trip. Sometimes it still feels like a dream that I was there. I took lots of pictures of the experience. I thought I’d share some of my favorites here.